3 Mammies

I went on my first Plenty of Fish date the other day. While sitting at the bar I asked had he ever been married or did he have children. Folks, he said, "I have three kids. It is what it is." There was a brief pause. I was waiting for him to say he was joking. He was not joking. In addition to having three kids, he has three different baby mammas, and they live in three different states. I felt my chest getting tight. Was I getting punked? What kind of cruel joke was this?

I am a liberal person to a certain degree. I just don't know if I can work with three baby mommas. That means three households get fed before he does. When he has his kids in the summer, I would have a three year old, twelve year old, and sixteen year old. That is not a vacation, that is punishment. Now if I was 50, I could do this. By that time my ovaries will be dead and I wouldn't mind his clan.

Alpha Male

This lame here "crossed" a certain fraternity via Graduate Chapter.  All we had was a phone conversation and he brought up the fraternity at least ten times.  You'd swear he was 19 and just crossed the burning sands.  I'm sorry he did not get to pledge as an undergraduate, but dang!!!  Joining an organization should not define you.

Alpha this and Alpha that.  Who cares!  Did I mention he was sporting a Greek jacket in the summer?

The Frenchman

The Frenchman and I met for sushi one evening.  This was my first time meeting him.  He had a super strong accent.  I have never had to concentrate so hard on a date.  I had to use my teacher ears to process everything he was saying.  This was worse than listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 80's.  He even noted that he was impressed that I understood him.  He got excited he found someone to chat with.  I felt bad for him because I knew that was our first and last date.  I just did not feel like working that hard to communicate with someone on my leisure time.  I know - boooo to me.

To Be A Cougar Or Not To Be.....Not To Be

I met Peter Pan a few years back at a co-ed baby shower.  He asked about me and got my number from a friend.  Honestly, I hadn't noticed him but was flattered when he called.  We decided to meet up for dinner.  While chatting, I discovered I was older than him.

As the conversation proceeded, it took a turn towards weird.  He started asking me life questions: What should he major in (he left after 2 years), where should he live, how to manage money, etc.  Could have sworn this was a date and not Big Brother/Big Sister of America.  I already have siblings and thought I was on a date, not a personal adviser.

This date was tuning into a hot mess.  Did this "man" not have parents or friends?  Should I be charging for all this great advice I was giving?  Was there any way I could change the subject?  The only thing I was thinking about was the tongue lashing my homeboy was going to receive for giving out my number to Peter Pan.

When You Buy, I Will Fly

A good friend of mine lives in L.A. and was celebrating her 30th birthday.  I decided to fly out there to help her bring in her milestone.  While at her house party, I met *John.  John was cool, but no biggie.  I don't live in L.A. and I have no desire to do a long distance relationship.  We exchanged numbers.  There was a chance my girl and I were going out later and he wanted to hang. 

So I fly back to Houston and John starts texting and asking when I am flying back to L.A.  I told him I only fly out there about once a year.  It's not like I travel for my job.  From there he tells me how attractive I look...blah, blah.  Again, all this means nothing to me.  The only thing running through my mind is that he wants me to scrape my pennies together to fly to L.A. just to hang with him.  He has never offered to put $5 on it.  I guess he thinks his texts are enough to make me fork over $400 to be in his presence.

Like clockwork, I know I will get at least one text a month asking when will I be flying to L.A. Ummm, keep waiting buddy.  I will keep responding with, "No time soon."

The Talk

I absolutely love wearing weave!  I dated a man once who did not like weave so I took it out.  Worst week of my hair life.  I actually have hair and it's healthy.  I just love the convenience of weave.  There is nothing like that fresh sew-in!

Whenever I date a man, I have to have "the talk."  To me it's obvious I am wearing a weave, but men are fooled easily.  For example, Fluffy and I were on our way to dinner.  He let the top down on his sports car and took off.  I gave him the side eye.  He literally was exposing my secrets.  My tracks were showing and my hair was sticking on top of my head.  It was not a good look.  I kindly tapped him on the shoulder and told him to let the top back up.  He was confused.  I explained to him that it was a process to get my hair to look like this and what he saw was an illusion.  I told him I could not just run my fingers through my hair and keep it moving.  I told him it was equivalent to Jessica Simpson and her clip ons for award shows.  He quickly caught on and learned to use the A/C.

Another example when I had to have "the talk" is when a guy friend decided to run his hand through my luscious locks, lol.  I told him to prepare for a bumpy ride since he would feel braids and tracks underneath.  Funny enough, he did not care.  He just kept running his fingers through it.

The key to weave is a talented weave-ologist and good bags of hair.  I thank God for Evelyn.  It is such a pick me up when I get my hair done.  I can work out, curl it, whip it, and no longer have to sleep pretty.

Going Fishing!

Well, I have crossed off E-Harmony and Match.com. Now it is time to try Plenty of Fish. At least this one is FREE! By default I am WINNING. I love free, lol. My co-worker is a member and suggested I give it a try.

After creating my profile, I have already received six. Wish me luck!

The Flight Steward

I met the flight steward off of Match. By now can you tell I need to stay off of Match? I decided to relax on my height rule. This guy was one inch shorter than me. His pictures were okay and he looked like he weighed more than me. I figured he size would counteract his height. It was the start of 2012 and time for me to broaden my horizons.

Usually when I exchange numbers with someone, we have a phone call first. This was not the case. Instead I was bombarded with text messages. I mean like 30 in a row. This man texted full conversations. He was draining my phone battery. I started calling him to see if he would catch a clue and start having phone calls. It fell on deaf ears. He was officially a serial texter.

By the nickname, you can tell he worked in aviation. He was a flight attendant. The first thing all my female friends asked me was if he was gay. I didn't get a gay vibe. He texted me for our first date. He picked a movie. Typically I don't like to go to the movies for a first date, but again I was being open. I show up and I am waiting by the ticket counter. All of a sudden a petite man is standing before me. I guess it is true, the camera adds pounds.

The flight steward is well mannered and nice so I roll with it. A couple of weeks have passed and I am still getting text message after text message. It didn't matter the time. Since he is a flight attendant, he has no sense of time zones. He has even taken phone messaging to a new level. He began sending me screen shots of his flight schedule.

This was nice and dandy, but when was date #2? He would text things like, "I am off for two days." Thank you for the public service announcement, but if we are not hanging I don't care. This kept on for about two more weeks. He was working my nerves with all the texts. I even asked specifically if he could call more. He said he would.......still waiting.

I found my out the weekend I had to go out of town for a friend's birthday. I told him I would be busy. So busy in fact, I never texted him again. THE END.

Got Milk?

While on Match, this guy and I began emailing. We got to the point where we exchanged numbers. The first time I heard his voice, it sounded nothing like I expected. You know when you see a person, you get a vision of how they would sound. Then he opened his mouth and poof...the vision was destroyed. He had an arrogant air about him, but again, this was just his phone voice.

The first time we were scheduled to meet, he asked if I was free Saturday evening. I must not have been paying attention and said I was free, and that we should do lunch. I was presenting a workshop Saturday morning and knew I would be ready for lunch. Well I guess my lunch suggestion offended him. He asked had I paid attention and noticed that he asked about Saturday evening. I had a Real Housewives of Atlanta moment: Who gone check me boo? I shook it off and told him the evening was fine. I didn't hear from him till Saturday evening and he was asking about my day. Err, did he not recall he wanted to do dinner?

At this point we text and have a few more conversations. We still haven't met up. Another week goes by and he calls. I can tell he is drinking something. He can barely speak because he is gulping his beverage? I asked, "What are you drinking?" He tells me it's milk. Folks he was tearing that milk up. He was geeked that he was drinking milk after his great workout. He then started burping in my ear. I was beyond grossed out. Where is your home training? Where they to that at? (ghetto on purpose) Since Mr. Beer Goggles had traumatized me. I figured I wouldn't even bother scheduling with Milk Boy.

Did You Say A Nervous Break-Down?

On our first date he told me he had issues with OCD and depression, but was fine now.  I have some OCD tendencies so I was not trippin.  We go on three dates and then he went ghost.  He called about 2 weeks later to tell me he had a nervous break down, was back on medication, and back to seeing his therapist.  He then told me he was not in the position to pursue a relationship.

I wished him well and told him I hoped he had a speedy recovery.  Well, guess who I saw looking extra healthy at the Keisha Cole concert?  You guessed it, lol.  He even had a date.  Then a few weeks after that I see him at a diner with the same woman.

Who fakes a mental break down versus saying you are interested in another woman.  I hope he stumps his big toe in the dark!

Silence Is NOT Golden

Speaking of E-Harmony, there is another match I was paired with that I did not agree with.  He asked me where I would like to meet.  I suggested we go to Main Event.  Main Event is similar to Dave & Busters. 

I show up and suggest we play air hockey.  He only bought enough credits for one round.  He then suggested we go eat.  Main Event has two areas for eating.  One is concession style and the other is sit-down.  He chose the concession area......side eye.  The food was horrible.  I took two bites and I was done.

From there, he wanted to talk.  Here's the problem, I was doing all the talking.  He just wanted to listen.  He would not speak.  I really felt like I was talking to myself.  He just took bites from his nachos.  After about an hour of my monologue, he's ready to go home.  He rants and raves about how great this date went.  I am now wondering if I am in the Twilight Zone.  Did we experience the same date?

I get in the car and immediately pull out my phone to call my sister so I can debrief her.  I notice he sends a text.  I don't respond since I am driving.  He then calls after ten minutes, I didn't click over.  He calls again, and again, and again.  Wait!!!!  So you were silent  all through the date and now you want to talk.  I finally call him back when I get home.  He wants another date.

Since I am glutton for punishment, I agree to a second date.  I tell him to pick a Happy Hour for 5 pm.  I purposely chose a Happy Hour because I know I will need assistance to get through it.  I get a text that says, "Let's go to Sky Bar."  Sky Bar?  Sky Bar right after work when the sun is up?  I then asked him did he google happy hours.  He replied back that he did.  I tell him to just meet me at Kona Grill.

We order and the food arrives.  As he eats, food is dripping all on his tie.  I am in awe!  Oh yea, he is still silent.  At this point I am about to fake an emergency.  I go to the restroom and plot my out.  Operation "Give Us Free" is in full effect.  I purposely leave my phone on the table and let it ring.  Peace out homie.....and I'm out!!!

Napoleon Dynamite

I did not realize how many dudes I've met over the years.  For those that know me, they know I like dating men that are taller than me.  I am 5'10" and literally looking down at a man is not the business. 

Four of Five years ago I was in between boyfriends and saw an E-Harmony commercial.  They were running a special so I decided to join for a month.  E-Harmony does not let you pick your match.  Instead, they provide your "matches."  Now I know I ranked height as as a super important factor.  Low and behold they paired me up with a man that was 5'4".  I don't know if I was curious or just looking for a free meal, but I agreed to a date.

He selected Joe's Crab Shack for dinner.  I get there first....he's running late.  He finally pranced in and it took all I had not to laugh.  He was sporting one of those bedazzled Ed Hardy shirts, sunglasses, and his bling.  As the hostess led us to the table,  the patrons kept starring at us.  I'm sure it looked funny seeing David and Goliath walk through the restaurant.  At one point, I would walk a few steps and turn around to catch people on the spot starring. 

We have our meal and the convo is okay.  In my mind I'm thinking dinner is about to wrap up and I can head home.  No, no, no....he wanted the date to continue.  He then suggest we go to Dave & Busters.  I agree and we head there.  We play some games and I try to excuse myself saying it's getting late.  He still wanted to hang.  Now he wants to go to the movies.  I promise this is the date that was never ending.  We walk by the theater and thank goodness it was over an hour before the next movie.  You'd think he would give up.  Now he suggest I go back to his place and we rent movies.

I had to take a stand.  I kindly let him know it is past my bedtime and I am ready to go home.  I watched him literally hop into his car and drive away.  I forgot to mention, he drove a Hummer.

Valentine's Day 2012

My bestie is so sweet and loves me.  She invited me over and prepared a grand meal.  Mind you she is married.  She and her husband were more worried about me having a good day.  They are such great people with kind hearts.  I'm not a big Valentine person so I wasn't bothered that I didn't have a date this year.

I showed up, we watched movies, ate our meal, and they even gave me a gift.  My bestie did a toast and mentioned as children we start celebrating Valetine's Day with friends, and that they were glad I was in their lives.  Tear, tear she and I will never part.

River Dance

So after 5 years I will see the one I call River Dance.  This is the one that did a dance routine on top of my heart.  I actually joked with a friend today about him.  Not only did he do a dance routine, but he drop kicked that hoe.  A couple of months ago he sent me an email.  I guess he was trying to reconnect.  I was not amused and quickly hit the delete button. 

This weekend I shall put on my happy face because in fact I am happy.  I don't look backwards and I am a firm believer people show their true colors just when you need to see them.  He did the FOOL and it took a minute for me to get right.  There is no way in hell I would ever put myself in that position ever again.  When I envison happily ever after, I know my heart will be at ease.

27 Dresses?

Gulp, I may be on my way to becoming the woman from the movie "27 Dresses."  Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be apart of these unions.  There is nothing better than witnessing a couple come together and unite as one.  I just can't help but wonder: Will I ever get to wear the wedding dress?

I have been in 12 weddings, have an upcoming wedding, had to decline 3 weddings, and have attended more weddings than I can count.  You may be wondering if I have a closet full of dresses.  The answer is no.  I donated all the dresses, except one, to the Fairy Godmother Project.  This non-profit provides prom dresses and accessories to teens who can not afford to purchase prom gear.

I always crack up when I tell my mom I am in a wedding.  She asked me if I was friends with the whole world, lol.  Love that woman.

I Feel The Love

My post are in jest for the most part.  I see the humor in it.  All around me I see great relationships stemming from family and friends.  These relationships have rocking chair qualities.  You know those are the relationships where you just know the couple will be old and gray sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying each the company of their significant other.  These are the relationships that let me know Mr. Right and I will have our encounter.

Driving In Houston

I wrote this after a interesting drive to work back in 2006.

Sent: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 9:36 AM
Subject: Driving in Houston


Have you ever just looked at cars when you are driving? This morning I saw just how creative people get with their vehicles. Again this all happened this Wednesday morning.

Car 1: The rear view window is missing. So what does this person do? Get some heavy foil (not the household kind, but that heavy stuff restaurants use to store food) and line the area. But ooops, how will he see? He cut a circle in the middle. Now he has fresh air and visibility everyday. This is my 3rd time seeing this truck on my way to work. I just don't think he'll get it fixed anytime soon.

Car 2: This car utilized the almighty duct tape. What's the point in duct taping your side mirror if it hangs so low you can't see out of it? Is it there for sentimental reasons? All that money invested in rolls of duct tape (re-taping) could have been used to get the mirror fixed.

Car 3: If you decide to purchase an SUV, you need to make sure you can afford the vehicle. That means gas, insurance, maintenance and oh yeah a back door/trunk. Who knows what happened to the back door/trunk of this SUV, but it was gone. Mind you it was flying down 59. To help protect the kids in the back seat, this person took the time to apply heavy plastic and duct tape to the area. I tell you that darn duct tape is the bomb. Who needs an air bag and metal when you have plastic and duct tape to protect you.

Car 4: This man is in an old Saturn just cruising like it is a Sunday afternoon. His windows are down and he is singing to music. He is going about 55 mph. I did fail to mention he was in the far left lane of a 5 lane freeway at 7:30 am this Wednesday morning. There are four slow lanes to your right and you choose the far left....you dummy. So many people cut him off and had road rage honking at him. It was pretty fun because he could have cared less. He was just a singing.

Car 5: "Why are you on my bumper you SIMPLE B*^CH!," was all I was thinking. I'm going a good 80. If you feel the need to go 90...I'mma need you to move around ---->. The Camry and I are going to be together till the wheels fall off. That includes my back bumper. We all know traffic can come to an abrupt stop in Houston and that's how accidents happen. For those that know me, you know my nickname is "Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events," when dealing with cars. You all remember Sputter...lol. Sputter went through hell....poor thing. The strangest Sputter incident occurred when lawn furniture tumbled off a pick up and slammed into my car just messing up my poor hood. Cars swirling everywhere and I'm stuck in the middle taking most of the impact. The insurance adjuster had the nerve to ask, "Did I get the truck's license plate number and did they stop?" Gee let me think....no and no to both questions. I was just happy not to crash.

Folks, this is all for now. I just felt the need to have a "sharing moment." Have a good day and I'll see you when I see ya!

Fluffy

I call this man Fluffy due to the abundance of blonde hair sitting on the top of his head.  Fluffy was cultured, involved with the arts, and a nice guy.  I was in my mid twenties at the time so I was not ready for all he had to offer, plus he was shorter than me.

I had some fun outings with Fluffy and got to go to elite events because he sat on the board for a certain organization.  I was putting him in the friend zone without even knowing it.

One evening Fluffy leaned in to kiss me and I believe my life flashed before my eyes.  I couldn't do it.  I turned my head and he ended up kissing my ear.  Fluffy and I had "the talk," and decided to call it quits.  Just recently, Facebook suggested I add him as a friend.  How did Facebook know?

I Get Around

Good ole Match.com, I tell you..........(side eye).  I exchanged numbers with Mr. I Get Around.  He was a handsome guy.  We finally got to the point where we decided to meet up.  I suggested he meet me at a friend's house party.  This way I would have witnesses and it was a social environment.  He was a hit.

A week later he suggested we catch a movie.  He asked where I lived.  I thought he was being a gentlemen and picking me up.  Nope, he pranced his ass inside of my house and sat on the couch.  Might I add he did not bring a movie.  Luckily I am a TV junky and have tons of cable channels. 

Since he was making himself cozy, I decided to casually let him know I am a gun owner.  You know just in case he tried to pull a stunt.  We're watching TV and things are are chill.  Then he proceeds to tell me that he has a record.  Folks, I got nervous.  Operation get my gun was in full effect!!!  I decided not to ask him what was on his record.  No need to incite a riot.

As we spoke, I could tell he was actually a pretty decent person and was really involved with his church.  He even gave up alcohol.  I believe in second chances so I thought I would work with him.  But then he started smelling himself.  He got excited over all the Match.com attention and proceeded to tell me how he is "making friends."

I am not an option Mister Man, I am a priority!  He could barely keep up with all of us.  Had to give him the Deuces.

The Trainer

I met The Trainer and he reminded me of Trey Songz.  He was a widower, but since he asked for my number I thought he was ready to date.  I was wrong.

On our first date I noticed he was sporting a wedding band on his middle finger.  On our second date, the band switched to his ring finger on his right hand.  His phone rang and he pulled it out to answer.  The screen saver was a picture of he and his wife.  He invited me over to watch movies, yes only movies, and there was a calendar posted that consist of 12 months worth of pictures of he and his deceased wife.

I felt dirty like I was helping him cheat.  Oddly enough, that is not why we parted ways.  He did NOT have a car.  I was curious as to how he got around the city to see his clients.  He told me he uses the bus and the rail.  Mind you I leave in the SOUTH and not the east coast.  What finaly did him in was when he called to ask me to take him to Walmart to get dog food.  Mind you we had never gone to dinner or to a public outing.  I knew then to bow out gracefully, this was not  going to work.  I am not a damn taxi service!

Chuy's

A few years ago I tried Match.com for the first time.  I typically don't date outside my race but decided to add some cream to my coffee.  I was contacted by a man who wanted to meet up at Chuy's.  This particular day something told me to cancel, but I decided to show up.

Folks this man looked like he could be my father.  Matter of fact he looked older than my father.  Ewww, he was so wrong for posting a pic from his youth.  Now this is where it gets bad.  I walked into Chuy's and spot grandpa at the bar.  We have a seat in the bar area. It's important to note my back was to the bar.  The Senior then asked me what I wanted to drink.  A couple of minutes go buy and I turn towards the bar.  Folks, he bolted. I was tickled.  If anyone should have left, it should have been me due to false advertisment.

How This Blog Came To Be...

My dear family and friends are forced to listen to my rants concerning my love life.  I decided to use this blog as a form of entertainment to keep from crying, lol.

Enjoy!

Mr. Beer Goggles

Never partake in adult beverages and give out your number!!!  You will be disappointed 9 out of 10 times.  I decided to go to a Day Party with some friends.  The music was great and the drinks were flowing.  Ooops I can no longer feel my lips.  Hark, how did this happen?

I am feeling good and a cutie approaches me.  He tells me I am cute BUT he's married.  Instead he decided to introduce me to Mr. Beer Goggles.  This fool just pulled the bait and switch on me.  I give out my number and continue partying with my friends.

A week has passed and Mr. Beer Goggles and I are scheduled to meet at a Wine Bar.  I walk in and immediately find him.  We were the only brown people there so he was not hard to spot.  Mind you I really didn't remember what he looked like. 

Ohhh Mr. Beer Goggles was not easy on my eyes, but he was nice.  I started having thoughts like "Hey I can do this," "He's not that bad," "I've seen chicks date ugly guys."  I really was trying to convince myself I could date a man I found unattractive.

Mr. Beer Goggles is eager for date #2.  He suggest we go to a movies.  I agree and tell him we can go after work.  Little did I know he purchased 10:30 PM tickets on a Monday without checking to see if that time was okay.  I don't know about you, but I am tired on Mondays and a late movie is not my idea of fun.  I go since I was texted the movie time and receipt for the tickets.

After the movies, he wants another date asap.  I tell him we can go to dinner the next weekend.  In the meantime he blows up my phone everyday asking to come over my home.  All I keep thinking is that you are a stranger and you will not be entering my thresh hold anytime soon.  Then I start thinking why are you so eager to come over?

The last supper as I called it took place on a Sunday.  We decided to meet at Grand Lux.  This man's table manners turned my stomach.  The waiter brings our bread and he slabs enough butter on it that it begins to gather in the corners of his mouth.  I can't help but stare.  It clicks to him to use a napkin, but not just any napkin.  He uses the bread basket napkin.  From there he orders FRIED CHICKEN!  Who would do it?!?  He tore that chicken up.  All I could hear was him sucking the meat.  Then he damn near killed me when he scooped some spinach on his fork and brought it 1 inch from my face.  You can imagine the horror as he wanted me to eat from his fork.  I politely passed.

Dinner wraps up and he walks me to my car.  I just want to go home!!!  Then the dreaded words came out of his mouth: Can I have a kiss?  I give him a kiss on the cheek.  He then tells me, "I don't want a kiss there."  Oh Father God save me.  I take one for the team and give him a peck on the lips.  I enter my car and begin to scream and gag.  I pull out my anti bacterial gel and rub it on my lips.

I wave the white flag, I am done!!!

Mr. 6'6"

I decided to give Match.com another try and this time it was looking promising. One day I logged in and had a message from 6'6". His profile pic was cute so I clicked on the message. All it said was "Dinner?" I replied back asking for a name. From there we scheduled a meet and greet.




I show up at Starbucks and the first thing he says is, "You look better than your pictures." Might I add he was not saying this to be nice. I guess I was supposed to be happy he found me appealing. I gave him the "err" face. Seriously dude, that is not how you put your best foot forward. But hey, I figured what the hell, I am here.




Dinner went well, we laughed, and even scheduled a second date. He even stepped it up a notch one weekend. I happened to be out of town for a friend's birthday and he decided to detour his road trip to my location for a day. You know I was thinking "cha-ching!"




So let's fast forward to the tom foolery. This past Friday we went to dinner and a movie. It was a normal date and ended with a hug and a peck. His final words were, "I'll call you Saturday after work so we can get together." Welllllll, Saturday passed, Sunday passed, Monday passed, Valentine's passed, and now it is Thursday.




Hmmm, so either someone has died or he's just not that in to me. Was the movie a parting gift? This fool has been ghost this whole time. So, DELETE-DELETE-DELETE! Mr. 6'6" is now a memory. I was stepping out the box for 6'6". He had been married twice, has two daughters under 3, and his stories about his life made me clutch my pearls. I can't stand disappearing acts.




In the words of a good friend, "Rejection is Protection!"